The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
