i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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