??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
