I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
