ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
