you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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