Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
