Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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