my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
