am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
