I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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