p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
