I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
