we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
