yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
