I want to have your abortion
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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