I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
