OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
