and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
