I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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