can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
