WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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