I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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