How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
