I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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