Someone shit on the floor
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
