I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
