Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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