I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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