Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
