Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
