why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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