There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
