I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
