Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
