there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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