I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I enjoy the company of your penis
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
