were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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