Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
