the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
