Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
