I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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