I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
