So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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