I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
