How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
