if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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