Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
