i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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