my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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