One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
